Shall I stay or shall I go? Stay how? Go where?
Let me not beat around the bush. My house is in foreclosure. I am responsible for it all. That knowledge, that acknowledgement, makes me feel strong.
There is so much in my world, in my mind.
Ever since the Gallery closed I have been "wondering" what happens next...and all those days and months of wondering have presented me with a myriad of "nexts" and a plethora of choices. Roads. Taken not taken. Explored, not explored, partially explored.
Here I AM, at the center of ME. In this place I feel content, inspired, healthy, grateful, kind, generous and optimistic. In my wondering about what may happen next...and how to choose...and how to accept that which may become inevitable...and how to conduct myself...and where to investigate...I make small forays into various visions and possibilities and ideas. Picture me as a circle with a number of short rays moving out from the center. These rays represent choices and ideas and truncated directions.
Some examples: 1) Divest myself of everything I "own" (EVERYTHING) and travel freely from place to place, meeting good people, writing, exploring, loving...2) Stay in Santa Fe, in my house, and concentrate on building The Wonder Institute; turning it into a place where people meet and share their ideas, their Art and Experiences...3) Expand my website into an online magazine and direct my energies toward making it something that is read and followed by millions...4) Turn my property into a small, intentional community...5) Become a wandering Crusader for Peace and Justice...6) Let Wells Fargo take my house and let the chips fall where they may...7) Fight for my house; fight, argue, research and win the right to stay in this house...8) File a Chapter 13 bankruptcy/reorganization claim...9) All of the aforementioned!!
This morning, several inspirational e-mails appeared in my in-box. Messages, not only from friends--but from the Universe.
A dear friend wrote to me from Viet Nam where she has had a major Art gallery for many years. Once she had a big and beautiful space in the center of Hanoi--now she is working out of her home. Life for her has been challenging but manageable for decades. This summer, tragedy struck her family: her sister's daughter and husband and four beautiful children perished in a private plane crash. She sent me a photograph of the family taken the day before they died. They look like angels.
A friend from Albuquerque wrote late last night to comment on the remarkable evening we had last week at my kitchen table...We drank tea and snacked on green chili, nuts and fruit. We exchanged stories of seminal moments in our lives. We laughed, we sang, we cried a bit---for seven hours! Seven hours! It was a luxury of Time that we rarely experience in our too-hectic lives. She wrote that she never seems to catch up with her life...that she doesn't get enough sleep and she works too many hours and she can't decide just how to move towards her biggest dreams. We wait. We plod. We ponder and consider. Time happens. We yearn to make more time for singing!
Another beautiful friend wrote from Hawaii. She was responding to my letter urging her to resign from a project that is run by some of the giants of the unethical greed and super greed world. "Come stay with me." I suggested. Don't participate in something that supports the antithesis of your spiritual philosophy...Wait! Who am I to say such things to her!!! Her response was gentle, beautiful. She defended her choices with a rationality that I cannot dispute. Her Life. Perhaps her goodness within the corporate crimes may make things better. We know, deep down, it will not...will not correct the dangerous environmental directions in which our world is heading. And yet, she does good with money generated from bad. Who am I to say, "Don't."
I have a spritual friend who sends me personal prayers. This most current prayer says, in part: "I have come here to be magnificent...I breathe in the magnificence of the air...I declare right here, right now that I choose to live my life fully, out loud, without fear of what others might think...I choose, in this moment, to raise the level of my vibration and to become that center of love, of peace, of abundance, of joy...I give thanks for another brand new day to feel to think, to believe...And so it is."
And so, I make an appointment to speak with a lawyer...And I post this blog. And I give thanks for this beautiful day! Yes, this is how it is: WONDROUS!